Gambling Jokes, Quotes and Fun

Gambling Jokes

Gambling is fun, so you should always have time for a laugh or two. In our Jokes, Quotes and Fun section you can browse our archive of gambling jokes below and see how many make you spill your drink. Enjoy our selection, and may laughter be yours.

Joke 1

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!”

Martha replies, “Should I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just get out!”

Joke 2

“My husband’s going to a casino in central Asia,” says one elderly Bingo player to another.

“Tibet?”

“Of course,” the old woman says, quite annoyed. “Why else would he go to a casino?”

Joke 3

Rearrange the letters: SLOT MACHINES.

Answer: CASH LOST IN EM.

Joke 4

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says, “Bill, we don’t know what to do with you, so you can choose if you want to go to heaven or hell.”

Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old, boring men sitting at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.

Impressed, Bill says, “I am a gambling man. I want to go to hell!”

Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. As he’s burning in the flames, Bill shouts, “Hey, what is this?!! I saw all the gambling, the women, and the sex!”

The devil says, “That was just a demo version.”

Joke 5

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” she shouts. She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

Joke 6

A blonde is in Vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.

She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.

The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.

A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, “Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?”

The blonde replies, “Duh! I’m winning here!”